I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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