It's like God shit irony all over that family
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
