Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
