I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
