You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
