With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
