I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
