He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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