So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
