Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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