I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Randomize
