Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
