if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
