third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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