if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
