I got chris browned last night
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
