Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
