before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just invented taco cereal.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
