u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
