dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
