Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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