Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
