In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
