Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
