If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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