Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
