all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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