You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Redeem this text for a blowjob
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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