I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
