I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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