i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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