if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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