Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
