the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
