woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
