Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
