probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
