you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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