dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
