Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
