ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
