i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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