Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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