me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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