Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
