I wish my penis had an off switch
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
