no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
