just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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