I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
