great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
