Swine flu. Run for my life!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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