uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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